10/13/16 being me

"always not worse enough, never good enough" - facing my darkest fears

12:20 AMAlaina

Adulting is hard, but it shouldn't be as hard as you make it look..

I am 25, and I have wholeheartedly, genuinely decided to no longer take shyt from negative people who only knows how to bring people down. I have had enough!

SHYT! I never expected you to give praises, to give appreciations, nor to at least be somewhat encouraging, but hell, you don't need to come right at my face doubting everything I do, I say, I aspire to be or even my existence?? Only Lord knows what else you doubt about. I know/still have this friend who counter reacts to literally almost everything you would say, she always has her own "theories" of going about things, and at times she believes in her "theories" so much that she actually believes they are "facts" and so she won't listen to anybody who tells her otherwise.... as a result, she doubts.. everything anyone says.. While it was never a personal attack, it still hinders our friendship so much, at least at my end. It is only in the recent years where things started changing between us.. I find it hard to be close friends with those who doubt too much, who argue too much, who doesn't give you a chance to speak your mind without spitting something right back at it. I really have no fcking energy to deal with this toxicity anymore, fcking tired of it!

Likewise, my father has never been the encouraging kind either.  He never gave praises, which I don't mind since I never expected it. But growing up, he used to tell my brother and I if we could be any worse at doing things. Whenever we made a mistake and are already feeling so shitty about what we've done, he would always bring us down to the next level. Such as yelling at us saying you guys can never do anything right...always tend to spit out discouraging words that killed my confidence growing up. I can understand that he probably didn't mean to, it's just his ways of telling us to do better next time around. But as a child, it affected me so so much. I've always been the quite one in school, was always afraid of speaking up because I was afraid of being wrong, of being let down or letting others down. And ever since then, I started to believe what everyone else said about me was true, that I was never doing good enough, no matter how hard I tried....and I mean, he still does it in his own ways, but as a fcking adult, I know better of taking in the goods and learn to ignore the parasitic noises around me.  I don't know if this is some kind of Chinese ideology or have you, we always tend to only do things that are expected, that are somewhat guaranteed (like only having the option of working 9-5 with a paycheck that's expected every two weeks..) I hate it so much now that I just can't and won't take it any longer.

The demons in my head are undoubtedly being fed by the doubtful words I heard around me, and it is when I start to believe in them that I start to doubt myself, the things I do, and the things I say. I used to think that if even the people around me doubt my capabilities,  then I must not be capable. There are many things that I want myself to be capable of doing in life, but because of self doubts, I was never courageous enough to start doing what I really want to do in life...I would always doubt - what similar talents do you have in order to be ____, what similar skills do you have in order to be ____, or who do you know that can be a lending hand to you to become ______...  But then slowly, as I start to view myself in a different/much brighter light and not of the deem light that people have shone on me for way tooo long. I realized that, no, I don't need to be similar, I don't need to have what others have "in order" to be... to be ME.. There is no "in order" in life, not one person's life is in order with another's.  Being me is enough and is capable of doing what I want to do in life, being ME is enough to get to where I want to be in life, and this being ME is MORE THAN ENOUGH.   If you feel like I am not enough for you? or that I am the small potato that should be doubted with everything I do/say, then fcking get the FUCK out of my life cuz I will be living the life I call MINE.  ADIOS FELISHA!

PS: This is not a post on blaming anyone, or on what anyone have ever done to me. This is about me confronting to one of my deepest fears and getting the destructing voices out of my head, so that I can move on, everyone else can also move on...

yours truly, 
(btw, I did shed some tears writing this, I mean.. it only made sense to)
be kind & be loved

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