you.. it was you who brought out the extroverted side of me, a side I am usually very incapable of showing in front of strangers. But you somehow brought it out of me with that incredibly charming personality of yours.. so of course, I thank you for bringing out that side of me for others to see. It has been a part of me that I tend to naturally hide from others for the longest time, a side that I didn't know how to show, but now it's all so natural for me to just be me, whatever I feel like being. Thank you for showing me the way and somehow brought out the potential that I wasn't able to see in myself.

I am the type of person... the type of person who could be soo cold to strangers.. but once I develop feelings for someone.. I do not know how/ if I could let them go... I fell for you, you are such a nice DUDE!!

Okay, so I found out that he is.. in fact, not gay, but, I think he has a girlfriend already. I mean, that is totally fine! I am happy for him.. altho I am quite heart broken, he's no longer as interactive as he was before.. Fine, I get where this is going and I am not trying to make it worse. I am about to resign in two weeks and I just.. just wishing, hoping, and praying that he doesn't take anymore PTO off. I just want to see his pretty face for as long as I can...He showed me how to see things in a different light and I am totally grateful for that.

I never imagined meeting a stranger as amazing as he is :) and I am totally glad that I did.


it is not all that bad being single after all, embrace it!

I think he's g@y though... even tho I haven't confirm it 100 percent, he seems to treat everyone.. every girl sooo nicely..I want to say that I was jealous, but now that I  think about it.. no straight guy have ever been this nice to me..but why would he be the exception.. he's too nice.. so he's prob.. ya know.. not that there's anything wrong with his sexuality.. But why.. Do I always have the wrong feelings for the wrong guys..

I don't know how to fall in love with the right guy, I never really met any guy that I could have a conversation with..except him.. he's such a sweet talker...and I fell for it. But my six senses are telling me that these feelings again are false.. that how can someone this perfect be without a girlfriend.. So as I try to make sense of it.... I've kinda figured out the answer... It's not hard to believe... I just need to accept reality for what it is. However, I am still grateful to have met such a nice and dorky person...I do wish him the best.. I have finally decided on when to resign.. like I've long been wanting to .. but I was just giving it a bit more time to see how things would turn out.. I had that tiny bit of hope inside me that maybe.. maybe I've finally found someone that I could fall for... that the feeling I was feeling was right.. I've had too many false feelings on crushes that never turned out to be anything.. but now that I've made the conclusion that he likes...guys. Then that be it :). What's meant to be will be.. tho my heart aches too much as I write this.. He's done too many things that gave me false hope, I am just a bit under-experienced and confuse those actions with.. love. O wells, you learn as you go on in life.


To sum up (whilst listening to the sounds of rain tears), I broke my own heart with the whole scenario made up in my own mind, way to go, self. . . . . .

A while back, I promised myself to allow as well as to give myself a chance to learn something new everyday.  I've been striving to make that my daily goal until.... I completely forgot about it right? OH HOW SILLY, of course not. I believe that everyday, every minute that you are consciously living is a chance for us to learn something new, you need not to make a huge commitment to stress yourself over that process. I've learned quite a bit about myself in the past few months than I've ever have professionally - to be honest. Please allow me to list them as professionally as I can.

1. When you work a 9-5 job, 5 days a week, you learn to how to fake a genuine smilze to the people that you work with :)
2. You learn how to "act" professionally
3. You learn to force yourself to act professionally
4. Treat the higher management people as if they are your co-workers, too
5. it is O the KAY to eat lunch by yourself even when surrounded by co-workers who eat lunch together.
6. DO NOT take advice from your "professional" life tooooo personally.
7. Your personality is only as good as you make an effort to not ruin it when you work with people from all sorts of backgrounds.
8. Your opinions matter too, just make sure to deliver them in a non-offensive way,  #1rule for realz.
9. DO NOT spend more than you actually make
10. Have fun, enjoy life as much as you can with a paycheck that isn't sufficient enough for you to live by yourself --


                          well, life is to be continued.
                              Next post, my trip to Oooooooo Canadaaaaaa~~~!!

for I am quite lost right now.

When you get hit down hard, real hard, remember that you have more than enough strength to get back up. Back to when I was a sophomore in college, I applied to this E-retail fashion company - the only interaction I had with them was no more than a simple phone screening. Okay FINE, I moved on from that rejection. To chase after my "ideal" job whatever, I applied again after college, which is just a few weeks ago, not too long ago or anything. This time around though, I applied for two different positions only because I did not hear back from the first position in weeks. So I thought I would give myself another chance..WRONG. AINT nobody else giving me a chance, I just found that I got rejected by the HR for both of the positions, literally two days after the first rejection. LORD has mercy on me PLEASE.  Maybe it's a way of telling me that it's not meant to be. NOPE

I was lost because I didn't have the courage to choose, I didn't have the courage to open new doors. I was limiting myself, I was holding back my beliefs, my values. And when there's something that you feel so strongly about, listen to your heart and it will lead you to where you're exactly meant to be. A place where you would be happily living the meaningful and impactful life. 

"If you're ever given the choice between a fancy, high paying job at a company run by people with questionable motives - or a less prestigious job at a company doing good work in the world--choose the second option. You'll always regret it if you don't. You'll never regret it if you do".

Now............I apologize for not writing a post for more than a month.. cuz I honestly haven't put any thought into what I wanted to write, I went crazy over internship searching, attending summer & night school for the first time in my life...it has been pretty hectic and I dont know, not being to able to get an internship that I so ever wanted had been seriously giving some time and thoughts about what I could do with my life.. anyway, let me just move on with what I want to touch on in this post...insecurities.

On a side note, I hate to commit to writing a "planned" blog post, because I am such a procrastinator and I would feel so much pressure to get it done in a timely manner. I am already pressured enough with all these school work that I have. So I apologize in advance. Also, I feel that more true feelings out come from a random blog.

How am i supposed to make sense of all this!! I feel like school is soo overwhelming!!  well, maybe I don't, I dont need to make sense of all this nonsense, i shall just let it be, let things happen and let them fall into where they belong...

I know, I understand that I can't force things to happen, I can only do the best on my part, everything else is then...fate, shall I say.

Let go, let go of what's constraining you, you are more than what you think you can be.❤

This is what I call 'Years of Battles with Acne' that to this date, no one knows who won. Theses pics have little to no editing done, cos this is REAL stuff man. Well, you may have asked "How did she managed to keep a smile on all those pics" right? What are you supposed to you when you pose for pictures? cry? No, you need to smile as big as you can!                             Take good care, ღAlaina